TO GODZILLA MISSION FIELD OFFICE: Stop Making Things Up

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To: Godzilla Mission Field Office (GMFO), All Staff

From: Mission HQ [Deputy Director Vera Rowen]

Date: March 13, 02026

Subject: Stop Making Things Up

Dear Field Office Team,

You must cease with your insistence on bending the truth. Made-up facts hurt our reputation as an institution dedicated to rigor and scientific inquiry. I know I do not need to remind the seasoned among you of the ill-fated Whistling Bears mission of 2016.

We identified the following factual errors in your latest Field Report, Godzilla Field Report No. 3:

1. Regarding “Resource Request Form GM_185_RR” and the requests listed therein:

   1. One of you has clearly copied a FEMA Resource Request form, and not well (case in point: the word “Incident” has been scribbled out and replaced with the word “Mission.”) This document has the following issues:

      1. The “form” itself is drawn in red sharpie.

      2. We can also see that one of you has forged the Chief of Mission’s signature by—we assume—writing with your left hand. Dogs can’t write.

      3. When one turns the “form” over, one sees that this document has been drawn on the backside of one of the promotional flyers we sent you to promote the mission and increase public engagement. Are you putting these up as agreed? I would like to remind you that promotion and outreach is a significant part of the Field Office’s assigned duties.

   2. We do not have the resources to send you a camera. You are hereby permitted to bring the cameras attached to your cellular devices on mandated walks with the Chief of Mission. To mitigate any potential conflicts, I suggest you place your devices on ‘Airplane Mode’ to ensure the presence that we know the Chief of Mission prefers. We agree with him that this presence will contribute to team cohesion.

   3. We cannot grant the Benny Hill request (as you put it, “Footage of monster actors not being able to destroy the massive miniature of Osaka Castle, overlaid with the Benny Hill Theme song”) because:

      1. We are not able to reallocate archivists’ time. As you are aware, this is not the only mission to which they are assigned.

      2. If we were able to, we don’t trust you with the manipulation of copyrighted materials.

      3. The intended use you provide (“Fun”) is not a worthy reason for investment of this office’s resources.

2. Regarding your footnotes in Godzilla Field Report No. 3:

   1. We don’t have an Audio Visual team. You know that.

   2. We don’t have a Conspiracies Department. You know that.

   3. No, we don’t think that Godzilla penned his own biography under a pen name, especially one that shares the first four letters of his given name.

I do not believe that these were errors at all. I believe that these are intentional acts of misrepresentation.

This is unfortunate, because the lessons you offer in this Field Report are insightful, topical, and poignant. I was especially moved by Themes 5 and 6: Relationships change over time and Time and space are big, we are small. I must say, though, I am skeptical of Theme 3: Trust the people closest to the work, as I am struggling to trust those of you at the Field Office.

Your colleagues here at Headquarters have tried to convince me that you do not act with ill intent. They believe that at best, your made-up facts are mischief. I am not so naïve. I believe that these are outright lies that might misrepresent our operation, destroying public trust.

Thanks to the advocacy of your HQ colleagues on your behalf, I will not take disciplinary action. Please be advised, though, that you are on notice. Do not make up any more facts.

I did see your suggestion to expand the mission’s scope. I do not wish to dilute the seriousness of this message. Expect another memo in response to this matter, to be dispatched shortly.